Spoiler Alert… yadda yadda… need to post this as a disclaimer on my main page because if you’re reading the reviews before you watch the movie, you probably deserve to have the plot spoiled for you (sang this whole thing in my head as I wrote it).

Warning: I couldn’t help it–this review contains foul language. Sorry, not sorry. It was necessary.

Typically, I know before I write a review what I want to say. I have an opinion formed and know what I both liked and disliked about the film/show/etc.  Right now, that’s just not the case.

I have been a loyal AHS fan since Murder House.  I’ve watched it religiously because I like watching creepy stuff around Halloween, so this show has always been right up my alley, nailing it one season after another.

Murder House was weird. It just was. It was also unique, fresh, and entertaining. It kept me intrigued.

Briarcliff was a little out there with the alien stuff.  On that note, it pissed me off a little when one of the writers (can’t remember if it was Murphy or Falchuk right now, sorry…) made a snarky comment to the media toward the end of Freak Show that the next season of AHS would not be taking place in space. ‘This is American Horror Story, not outer space horror story,’ he had said (I’m paraphrasing).  Ok, Mr. Snarky, you introduced aliens in one of your seasons, so it’s not such a far-fetched question. Jerk much?

Coven was probably my favorite season.  It was absolutely perfect.  The setting, the cast, the story line, the twists. Oh, I absolutely adore that season.

Freak Show was definitely a weird one. I expected it. I still think it was good and I did watch it through til the end, even though everyone else in my household gave up on it halfway through the season.  I liked it.

This season… where do I even begin with my thoughts on the hour and a half long premier last night?

First and foremost, a friend of mine made a great point. The plot is all over the place. They have pulled from so many different pieces of media, entertainment and history, they’re stuck in the mud on the first episode!  Times actually complained that they hadn’t sent more than the first episode of the season and I was surprised. Has the season completed? Did they ever find their footing and will they manage to create something out of this season?  If they fail as miserably as they might, it could very well be the last we’ll hear of AHS. My concern is that they didn’t send more than the premier because they didn’t want to show bashed to its own bloody death before the public got a chance to make up its own collective mind.

Another concern of mine: the writers are engaged in projects Scream Queens and American Crime Story? Talk about biting off more than you can chew!  The plot for AHS: Hotel is all over the place. Is it possible (quite) that being over extended has a little (a lot) to do with that?

Furthermore, they lost Lange and replaced her with (are y’all kidding me?!) LADY GAGA. That’s it, you’ve lost your damned minds. Lady Gaga? What on God’s green earth EVER gave you the idea that replacing a classy, stubborn, eloquent woman like Jessica Lange with Lady Gaga would be the perfect move? Lady Gaga is UGLY. She is obnoxious, grotesque, classless, and apparently cannot act. She is snide, snobby, acts superior to all of us peons, and is the absolute epitome of a joke in my obviously humble opinion.  I never liked her but I completely wrote off the idea of ever being impressed, fascinated or dazzled by this “woman” when she came out with her blood and sperm perfume “Fame.” My response to her sick joke of a fragrance? Fuck you, you total freak. Seriously, you disgust me.

Also, the violence and it’s sexual relation, not in particular order of horror.

1. The murder of the woman having an affair and labeling the guy who had the unfortunate role of man having an affair (in the credits he’s ‘man nailed to headboard’). That was seriously creative and, I’ll give it to them, pretty horrifying.  I could actually handle this one. My one criticism? Too close to Seven, guys, not really new…
2. Raping the heroine addict with a drill bit dildo: come the fuck on, guys! seriously?! I mean, I know you are being tasked with and pressured to concoct innovative, imaginative ways to kill someone. But this?? This was tasteless, shameful, disgusting and wholly unnecessary!
3. The bloody orgy. Well, I guess that’s one way to introduce your Elizabeth Bathory and her lover. It’s not exactly new. True Blood already did it, guys. It was gross when they did it, and it was gross when you copied them….
4. The dude in the mattress was genuine. I’ve seen some complaints that it’s too unoriginal, too cliche. Well, I’ll tell you–I thought it was one of the best creepy moments of the show. After the complaints I saw about the premier, I was seriously considering skipping it. That intro coerced me into staying for the show.
5. Why the hell were the kids eating the ‘Swedish meatballs’?! Where the fuck did that come from?

Other random questions:

1. Why are the kids even there??
2. Is anyone alive or are they all dead or what is going on?!
3. I mean, is this a hat-tip to Elizabeth Bathory or literally an entire show created based on the song Hotel California?! Between these two plus the Shining, plus a million other bits that are being smooshed into one season… do y’all even know what you’re doing anymore?

I have zero confidence in them pulling off this season at this point.

I am done reviewing the premier.  I’ll have to just say: let’s wait and see where this goes.

I probably have more to say but since they were all over the place in the premier, I’m cutting this off and refusing to give it more time and attention.

On my final note: I will watch next Wednesday in the hopes that they start to flesh out the details and the plot starts to actually take on a discernible direction.

On my very last note: Denis O’Hare ROCKED his costumes and lived up to his Liz Taylor moniker like a total champ! Bravo, Denis! Such charm is added to the show thanks to his prolific acting skills!